Yup. That's right. After attending a hospital orientation to the maternity ward I have learned the truth:
There are NO Storks in the back delivering the babies.
I KNOW.......... RIGHT?!?!
Since when!?!
This has me totally freaked out!
SUPPOSEDLY, women are really the ones that deliver the babies!
I KNOW! I mean- I had always heard that women were tired after having the baby...but I thought they were talking about the crying, pooping, and feeding the little guy.
But that's not so!
APPARENTLY it's from pushing a watermelon out of their body!
SAY, WHAT?!?!?!
Ok. So I didn't really think that. I have just really, really, really, REALLY hoped that! And since deep...deep...deep...DEEEEEEP down I really knew the truth I have kinda...sorta....just not thought about any of that. Actually, I have had such a wonderfully easy pregnancy that I literally have forgotten at times that I AM pregnant. I know. Don't hate me. But, it's true. I haven't thrown up once. I haven't been sick at all in fact. I have had some mild heart burn... but don't we all? We did have a mild scare within the 1st month- but after getting a shot to keep the baby safe (I am Rh negative blood or something) things have been fine. No crazy cravings. No out of the ordinary late night runs to get ice cream. Nothing. Nadda. Zilch.
So it may be easier to understand why not only my husband...but me included...have just pretty much forgotten at times that I am pregnant and have lived our lives as normal; getting re-acquainted with old friends, found jobs, set up house, etc. We both know that a baby is coming into our lives in a few more months...but we have been so busy re-adjusting to AZ (we recently moved here to be closer to family and stuff) that we literally haven't truly digested the fact that are lives are about to change.....forever from what we are told:o)!
But, at my last doctor's appointment she told me to go to a hospital orientation to learn the ropes of where to go when it is 'time.' (Apparently some people freak out and run all over the hospital til they find the right wing to go into? Go figure.) So we did. We signed up.
The Orientation.
So here I am. 6 months prego holding my handsome man's hand with my right and our confirmation class letter with my left. We walk thru the double doors of the 'Educational Conference Room' and are warmly greeted by two (what appear to be) female nurses. They give us a little welcome packet, have us sign in, and tell us to find a seat. Easy enough.
So, we calmly walk towards the beginning of the second row toward the front.
Mistake #1.
A few minutes later undercover nurse #1 comes to the front and welcomes us and about 40 other prego mom's and their spouses. She tells us the history of the hospital, information about why this hospital is the best in the area, and thanks us for delivering there. Blah. Blah. Blah. I am starting to think of what fast food chain to hit up on the way home.
Then walks up undercover nurse #2.
She is the one that really drops the bomb on me. No storks.
She starts off by showing us PowerPoint slides of the outside of the hospital: explaining where to park, what doors to go thru, where to check in at, pre-registration, etc. While she is talking I find myself getting a little more anxious....and I am paying a little more attention. My husband, on the other hand, looks like he is about to make paper airplanes out of the packet info. She begins to show more pictures of this room call triage? Some room where they will assess if I am really in labor or not?! (There is fake labor?! Why would God do that? If I am going to go- let's go! That's just mean.)
Then she shows- THE PICTURE.
It is the labor and delivery room.
Terrifying....RIGHT?!?!
Ok. Not really. But for me, something clicked with THIS picture.
I AM HAVING A BABY!!!
That's right!!!!! There is NO getting out of this. I can't change my mind. I can't pass the buck. When I can't open a jar of pickles at home- I pass it to my husband. Apparently- HE CAN'T DO THIS FOR ME! Nope. I. ME. I-I-I-I-I....I HAVE TO DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!! Sure- there's going to be people in the room that are coaching me...but really?!? What's that all about?!
As these thoughts run through my mind at a frantic pace- I start to get dizzy, my heart is beating faster, and am clutching onto the chair with my left and my Superman's hand on the right....wait?!?! Superman??? Whatever! I want a cape with GPS abilities after what is just beginning to dawn on me...I am having a baby. Oh. My. Word.
At about this time, Mr. I-think-I-am-Superman, leans over and says while turning to look at me, "Babe, you are squeezing my hand too tight....whoa! ARE YOU OK?!?!" Apparently all color had drained from my face too and he is asking me if I am going to be OK?!?! Did you see the clean sterile room with LEG STIRRUPS?!?!?! AM I OK?!?!?!
I would have loved to slide out the back and re-group but, we were up front. In the middle. No getting out discretely with a basketball strapped to my waste. Nope. I was stuck. I just sat there. I have NO IDEA what Nurse Ratchet talked about after that picture. I have NO IDEA. For the next 30 minutes I simply sat there trying to get my breathing to a regular speed so I didn't hyperventilate and pass out in front of the room of all the other How-come-they-seem-so-calm moms.
After the session ended round two began.
The Nurse-from-Heaven graced the stage. She was the Anesthesiologist. She would be the one to give me the drugs. Now, don't judge me. But, I want as many drugs as they will let me have that will not harm the baby. I have seen, read, and talked to some incredible super mom's out there. But, let it be read here. I am not one of them. I want the drugs. In a glass, shaken, not stirred, with a couple ice cubes, and a pink umbrella.
Bring. It. On.
Please and thank you.
(I know it is a shot with a long needle- but let me have this one for now! Ok? They already took the storks from me!)
This beautiful intelligent creature spoke to us of the benefits and the process of getting the..... epidural.
*sigh* I love that word.
Just knowing the relief that it could bring me....it just makes me so happy. This session helped slow my heart again. Color returned to my face. And I began to sing a happy little tune in my head.....until she opened the floor to questions.
The Questions Came.
And came. I didn't even know there was anything to ask.
Epidural= relief.
Please. Thank you.
But, these mom's (and dad's) asked all kinds of things like:
WHAT?!?! PUSH LONGER!!!
Well, thank the Lord on that one!
Anyways, I didn't have a notebook on me to take notes. These are simply 2 questions I remember. I know. I literally did NOT have a notebook with me to take notes. Shocking. But, I don't know if I could have taken notes even if I tired. I just sat there...stunned.
On our way home... I lost it. I cried and rambled like a mental patient. My I-thought-I-was-superman-but-I-can't-fix-my-wife-husband tried to lure me to get ice cream. But no....even that didn't work on me. He finally smiled as I was talking in a tone that only dogs could hear and wipe away the tears that coursed down my cheeks. That made my fear turn into wrath...and it was aimed at him! How could he SMILE at his wife who is in a state of absolute SHOCK, FEAR, and....and...TERROR?!?!
He leaned over grabbed my hand, kissed my knuckles, and said, "Babe, that was simply orientation. How on earth are you going to handle the child birth prep class next month?"
And that did it. We laughed so hard. No. He didn't have the light bulb go off for him that this is all really happening...I assume that happens for the guys a bit later. But, he IS my Superman. He is the only one who could make me laugh and have all my fear dissipate in a matter of seconds. Sure, it will happen again. Yes, I could do some more research. But, he will be there and help me through....either that or I can throw a shoe at him and tell him to go find the Heavenly Nurse to give me more drugs. ;)
Stay tuned for what happens after the Child Birth Prep Class July 24th and 31st!
Bunches of Hugs,
Lil' ol' Ashley
LOL..oh Ashley, you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteThis post had me laughing through the whole thing - sorry! - It is pretty scary. I didn't take notes either and would ask Morgan what they had said. But he was also falling asleep! Grr.
I don't like you for having an easy pregnancy, lol. Bethany was a breeze compaired to Mackenzie, and their personalities mirror that now. So maybe your little guy will be an easy baby?
LOVE YA!!
And now for the Older Brother Perspective:
ReplyDelete*sigh* it's true. I'm also expecting my first baby. And while my kid will be a month younger than Ashley's it's because I'm smarter than Ashley. By allowing her to proceed a month ahead - she is thereby forced to learn certain things through trial and error - and thus I can watch her mistakes and avoid them.
Such as attending a hospital orientation.
No no... I will not be attending neither a hospital orientation nor will we will attend a "birthing" class.
Why? Because I'm more terrified of this whole process than even Ashley is. At least she's brave enough to go hear about the savagery that takes place behind those doors painted with pink and blue bunnies.
I on the other hand am constantly googling "How to Make Your Own Home Made Epidural for Dad's."
That's right... I'll let my precious bride squeeze my hand as tight as she wants - for as long as she wants. Why? Mainly because I will be completely numb for an entire month prior to the birth.
In the meantime... I'm going to go and have some ice cream.
It's a Gissel Thing I guess.
I finally got caught up on your blog and am so glad I did - this one made me laugh until I cried, and then I shed a few tears out of terror for you even though I know you'll be a rockstar at labor. (I'm not the one with calming words about labor, after all.) I do think ice cream is a good strategy...and drugs. ;)
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