I am delicate, sweet, wistful, kind, caring, and just overall a GREAT person
(insert roll of the eyes here!)....
(my brothers look!)
(my brothers look!)
Ok. Not really and certainly NOT all the time. But- over all I think I am like everyone else that tries to do right and give their best...
Until you mess with my plans!
Not planned: being 9 months pregnant in the dead heat of the AZ desert.
It just looks hot- doesn't it? IT IS!!!
And REGARDLESS what some people think we did not plan on getting pregnant when we did. And we had NO idea we would be pregnant in the AZ SUMMER!
AND...
Guess who lives here?
SCARY...I KNOW!
I have turned into the PINK HULK- at times anyway.
And...just to clarify- I am not the green hulk.
Ew.
That's some icky boy that can't control his temper and throws a tantrum smashing things (or people) up.
Nope.
I am NOT the green icky hulk.
I am still me......Just with a bit more... attitude. And it isn't entirely my fault. Who knew bending over would become such a chore...or taking a shower...Um...Shaving your legs with a watermelon strapped to your belly is NOT ideal! And it's WAY HOT PEOPLE!!! And EVERYONE is grouchy when they have a lack of sleep. I SO did not know pregnant woman didn't sleep. So... sometimes I have turned into the pink hulk. And it is my understanding that even the green hulk doesn't necessarily know what will set him off...well- unfortunately I guess we are relatives...because I am the same way. And as quick as I turn pink I turn normal again. Seriously.
Ugh...
But- what I have discovered to make this Pink Attitude Machine whimper in the corner:
CHILD BIRTH PREPARATION CLASS 101
I am a planner. Anyone who is anyone knows this about me. I want as much information as possible as I can. I want to be prepared- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So having a baby? Yes- Info please....
So my husband and I sign up. I had a stress test an hour before so we were a bit early...20 minutes to be exact.
Now, I learned my lesson the last time we attended one of these 'informative class' thingies- DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT. Find your way to the back corner. Be as quite as you can so if you need to run out screaming less people see who it was. Got it.
So we sat in the VERY back corner.
As I am getting our notebook, pens, and highlighter out I look over to find my handsome husband of a man totally at home.
He has stretched out with his legs propped up on a chair in front of him. (In his case this takes up about 8 feet of the room!) He has pulled out a portable DVD player from I DON'T KNOW WHERE! And is chowin down on chips that he pulled out of the sky licking his fingers as he goes watching a movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stare at him.
That's all I could do. I was shocked, annoyed, mad, confused, and totally baffled all at the same time.
Why are you not as nervous about this next class as I?
GET NERVOUS YOU NIT-WIT!
Where on earth did the portable DVD player come from?
Why are you just watching a movie?
Where did you get the movie?
Where did you get the chips?
And most importantly.... why didn't you get some for me? I hate that flavor!
I don't say any of this.
Again- I am too shocked.
Now...maybe I should have seen the pink hulk lurking in the corner. Maybe I could have even heard the screaming coming from way down the hall in my head. But, either way
after about 10 minutes of being slack jawed and having other pregnant mom's and dad's enter the room- I ask him, "Babe- If it isn't too much of a bother, do you think you could:
1. PUT YOUR FEET DOWN!
2. PUT THE STUPID MOVIE AWAY!
3. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURPLE IN THE WORLD- GET ME SOME CHIPS!!!"
At least I think it went something like that. Ugh.
Again- a pink hulk moment.
The nurse leading the class had all of the mom's go around the room and introduce themselves, their spouses, due date, sex of their pending child, 1 thing they have enjoyed about being pregnant, 1 thing they hate about it, and 1 thing they hope to gain out of this class.
I would like to remind you at this point we sat furthest in the back. So we were 2nd to last to go.
I was a bit concerned when ALL of the other pregnant mom's responses went a little something like this
"Hi!!!!!!! I am Cherish! This is my AWESOME husband DAVE!!! We are having a booooy! (giggle giggle!) We are due in October. There are just so many things I have loved about being pregnant it is just so hard to choose one! (Giggle giggle) But, I guess I would say feeling the joy of him moving inside! (Sigh) I guess the one thing I dislike would be the waiting. Waiting for him to get here. It's just SO HARD! And the one thing I hope to gain from this class is how to be the best prepared parents we can be!"
Ok. So- I am about to seriously gag at this point. Really. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Get with it woman! Are you on an epidural right now! Shoot! Hook- me up!!!
But, to my sheer astonishment- All these other mom's are nodding and smiling and agreeing with the Unicorn Pregnant Woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh.
By the time we get to me I have my mind made up to be REAL! So I say the following,
"I am Ashley. This is Andrew. We are having a boy. Due in 3 weeks. I like when he has the hiccups....for about 30 seconds and then he can stop. I hate the swollen ankles, legs, belly, and thighs. I hate the heartburn. I hate that I haven't slept in 2 months. I hate having to pee every 30 seconds. The one thing I hope to gain out of this class is to no longer be terrified that I am going to be pushing out a canonball in a few weeks time."
All of the ladies seemed to gasp as one. So I sat down.
However, one girl went after me. And guess what she said,
"I am Anna. This is Steve. We are having a girl. And I don't know what is wrong with the rest of you! But I am with her!!!!"
She turned and HIGH FIVED ME!!!!!!!!!
See. Honesty pays. I bet more than 1/2 of those women were on my side but too scared to admit it!
They showed a video of a regular natural birth. (I affectionately call this the I-Am-Clinically-Crazy-and-Tougher-Than-Nails-Birth.) They showed a video of a C-Section. They showed a video of a mom getting an epidural.
*That probably freaked me out the most. Such a big needle to relieve the pain. Don't get me wrong. I am totally going to do it! But, GOOD GRIEF!!!*
I looked over at my husband during the child birth videos and he was crying. Guess what?!?! So was I- but for 2 TOTALLY different reasons!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was sentimental about the children entering the world- while I was bawling over the pain that WILL happen. Ugh.
I say all of this like I am not excited about becoming a mom. Not true. I totally am. I don't feel totally prepared- but I don't think anyone is. I am just a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
bit freaked out of the labor part.
Just a wee bit.
So- then nurse ratchet has us practice enduring pain. She passes out clothes pins and tells us to clip it onto some part of our body and LEAVE IT THERE. I asked a totally reasonable question at this point: Do we get to have an epidural for this exercise.
The answer was no.
Now. I am embarrassed to say that I didn't leave it on for more than 10 seconds. SECONDS people. So I am not joking when I say an epidural will be in my near future. We were supposed to leave it on for a full minute or longer.
I guess I failed that part.
After the class my husband picked up our belongings (including his small entertainment center from earlier!) and started heading out. He looked over at me and just said,
"I know. Ice cream right now. Epidural ASAP. I need to pay attention. And a good foot rub when we get home."
He did it all.
Thanks babe.
So we sat in the VERY back corner.
As I am getting our notebook, pens, and highlighter out I look over to find my handsome husband of a man totally at home.
He has stretched out with his legs propped up on a chair in front of him. (In his case this takes up about 8 feet of the room!) He has pulled out a portable DVD player from I DON'T KNOW WHERE! And is chowin down on chips that he pulled out of the sky licking his fingers as he goes watching a movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stare at him.
That's all I could do. I was shocked, annoyed, mad, confused, and totally baffled all at the same time.
Why are you not as nervous about this next class as I?
GET NERVOUS YOU NIT-WIT!
Where on earth did the portable DVD player come from?
Why are you just watching a movie?
Where did you get the movie?
Where did you get the chips?
And most importantly.... why didn't you get some for me? I hate that flavor!
I don't say any of this.
Again- I am too shocked.
Now...maybe I should have seen the pink hulk lurking in the corner. Maybe I could have even heard the screaming coming from way down the hall in my head. But, either way
after about 10 minutes of being slack jawed and having other pregnant mom's and dad's enter the room- I ask him, "Babe- If it isn't too much of a bother, do you think you could:
1. PUT YOUR FEET DOWN!
2. PUT THE STUPID MOVIE AWAY!
3. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURPLE IN THE WORLD- GET ME SOME CHIPS!!!"
At least I think it went something like that. Ugh.
Again- a pink hulk moment.
The nurse leading the class had all of the mom's go around the room and introduce themselves, their spouses, due date, sex of their pending child, 1 thing they have enjoyed about being pregnant, 1 thing they hate about it, and 1 thing they hope to gain out of this class.
I would like to remind you at this point we sat furthest in the back. So we were 2nd to last to go.
I was a bit concerned when ALL of the other pregnant mom's responses went a little something like this
"Hi!!!!!!! I am Cherish! This is my AWESOME husband DAVE!!! We are having a booooy! (giggle giggle!) We are due in October. There are just so many things I have loved about being pregnant it is just so hard to choose one! (Giggle giggle) But, I guess I would say feeling the joy of him moving inside! (Sigh) I guess the one thing I dislike would be the waiting. Waiting for him to get here. It's just SO HARD! And the one thing I hope to gain from this class is how to be the best prepared parents we can be!"
Ok. So- I am about to seriously gag at this point. Really. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Get with it woman! Are you on an epidural right now! Shoot! Hook- me up!!!
But, to my sheer astonishment- All these other mom's are nodding and smiling and agreeing with the Unicorn Pregnant Woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh.
By the time we get to me I have my mind made up to be REAL! So I say the following,
"I am Ashley. This is Andrew. We are having a boy. Due in 3 weeks. I like when he has the hiccups....for about 30 seconds and then he can stop. I hate the swollen ankles, legs, belly, and thighs. I hate the heartburn. I hate that I haven't slept in 2 months. I hate having to pee every 30 seconds. The one thing I hope to gain out of this class is to no longer be terrified that I am going to be pushing out a canonball in a few weeks time."
All of the ladies seemed to gasp as one. So I sat down.
However, one girl went after me. And guess what she said,
"I am Anna. This is Steve. We are having a girl. And I don't know what is wrong with the rest of you! But I am with her!!!!"
She turned and HIGH FIVED ME!!!!!!!!!
See. Honesty pays. I bet more than 1/2 of those women were on my side but too scared to admit it!
They showed a video of a regular natural birth. (I affectionately call this the I-Am-Clinically-Crazy-and-Tougher-Than-Nails-Birth.) They showed a video of a C-Section. They showed a video of a mom getting an epidural.
*That probably freaked me out the most. Such a big needle to relieve the pain. Don't get me wrong. I am totally going to do it! But, GOOD GRIEF!!!*
I looked over at my husband during the child birth videos and he was crying. Guess what?!?! So was I- but for 2 TOTALLY different reasons!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was sentimental about the children entering the world- while I was bawling over the pain that WILL happen. Ugh.
I say all of this like I am not excited about becoming a mom. Not true. I totally am. I don't feel totally prepared- but I don't think anyone is. I am just a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
bit freaked out of the labor part.
Just a wee bit.
So- then nurse ratchet has us practice enduring pain. She passes out clothes pins and tells us to clip it onto some part of our body and LEAVE IT THERE. I asked a totally reasonable question at this point: Do we get to have an epidural for this exercise.
The answer was no.
Now. I am embarrassed to say that I didn't leave it on for more than 10 seconds. SECONDS people. So I am not joking when I say an epidural will be in my near future. We were supposed to leave it on for a full minute or longer.
I guess I failed that part.
After the class my husband picked up our belongings (including his small entertainment center from earlier!) and started heading out. He looked over at me and just said,
"I know. Ice cream right now. Epidural ASAP. I need to pay attention. And a good foot rub when we get home."
He did it all.
Thanks babe.
Hysterical. You crack me up. Believe it or not I NEVER took a child prep class with either of my boys. We were made to push out babies, and honestly no "class" can prepare you for it. On another note, having had two epidurals the worst part is actually the IV in my opinion. The epidural actually only hurts for about 5 seconds and then it's just a weird cold feeling that follows (more of a creepy feeling). The IV however hurts like a you know what. Just pray you get a nurse that can find your vein... Also, I had a c-section with my first (after 32 hours of laboring/ not all was active labor and only getting to 3 centimeters) My second son came 2 weeks early and was born VBAC ( vaginal birth after c-section) in 2 pushes... and only 10 hours after being admitted). I'm telling you my friend, do not fear the epidural, I promise you will laugh after all is said and done and easily pick out something else that's more painful (getting stitched up down there aint fun). You will do great. Just don't ask for a mirror, no one other than that sweet brave husband of yours should have to witness it.
ReplyDelete